For My Fellow Lexophiles (Lovers Of Words):

The following plays on words (puns) have been around the internet for some time.  I cannot claim any of them as original (mine), only collected here for your enjoyment.
 
  1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
  2.  A will is a dead giveaway.
  3.  Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  4.  A backward poet writes inverse.
  5.  In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
  6.  A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  7. I tried to catch some fog.  I mist.
  8.  If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  9.  With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  10.  Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
  11.  When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  12.  The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  13.  A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  14.  When chemists die they barium.
  15.  You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  16.  Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
  17.  He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  18.  A calendar’s days are numbered.
  19.  A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
  20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  21.  He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  22.  A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  23.  The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
  24.  Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  25.  When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  26.  If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  27.  When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  28.  Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  29.  Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  30.  Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  31.  Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
  32.   The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  33.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  34.  She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
  35.  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  36.  Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  37.  The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  38.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  39.  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  40.  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  41.  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  42.   Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  43.  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
  44.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  45.  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  46.  A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
  47.  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  48.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  49.  Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
  50.  A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran.
  51. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
  52.  I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.  I can’t put it down!
  53.  The Indians were here first because they had reservations.
  54.  We’re taking a class trip to the Coca Cola bottling plant.  I hope there is no pop quiz!
  55.  The Energizer bunny has been arrested, charged with battery.
  56.  I didn’t like my beard at first, then it grew on me.
  57.  Broken pencils are pointless.
  58.  I did a theatrical performance on puns: it was a play on words!
  59.  Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
  60.  I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
  61.  In New York a man gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
  62.  You’re never completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
  63.  I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
  64.  My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
  65.  I, for one, like Roman numerals.
  66.  There is no “i” in denial
  67.  I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
  68.  What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.

About Doug

Jesus follower, writer, gardener, Sci-Fi fan, Beagle herder, occasional author, mountain man. My dogs think I’m a super-hero.

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